He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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