fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Randomize
