i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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