i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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