You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
