I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Randomize
