Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize