Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
