I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
