So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize