Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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