hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I think your dad took our porno
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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