If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
We are all done wearing pants today
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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