Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
