Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
do nipples grow back?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
