what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
