his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
and you fell through a lawn chair
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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