glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
