You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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