Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
