So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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