why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize