we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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