I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
