Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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