the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
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