Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Randomize