he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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