in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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