well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
