After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
