I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
