I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
