You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
