apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
