The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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