God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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