Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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