He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
