You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize