Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
