Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
