And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
