I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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