I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
