apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Randomize
