and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
