I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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