his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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