I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize
