i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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