I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Randomize
