toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
