I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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