Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
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