I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
