hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize