I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
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