After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
