I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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