I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
How's work?
Spinning.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
