fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
