I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
